What “Rising” in Recovery Actually Looks Like
When you first enter recovery they tell you to take it one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
They do this, I think, because to tell someone who has just decided to try and get sober that recovery is a lifelong process might send them screaming in the opposite direction—overwhelmed by the idea of having to make a choice to work at this every day.
More than eight years sober now, I sometimes still want to run screaming from the day-to-day demands of a life in recovery.
Son
Of a
Bitch
Everything’s
Real
And let’s face it, that’s why I abused substances in the first place. Dealing with reality was not—nor is it now—my strong suit.
Hiding Out vs. Stepping Up
If I can hide—safely entrenched in my recliner—behind my drawn blackout curtains, I’m going to. I’d rather spend time with my rescue hound and my mod (puffing like a vengeful dragon) than venture out into the world any day of the week.
But what kind of life is that?
One that eventually gets stagnant and boring; and boredom is one of my most atrocious enemies. That’s when it’s time to get to a meeting and work with others who are kicking up dust on this sometimes daunting path.
Sick of meetings at this particular moment in time though, I chose instead to talk to my therapist. We’ll call her Lady Cee.
I don’t always have the right words to express my struggles and frustrations with Lady Cee. I can’t speak for all addicts, but I have a really hard time expressing my emotions and I hate having to ask for help. Anger is easy for me, but other feelings tend to get tangled up in confusing knots—like the Christmas lights folks do battle with every year. I just sit there trying to pull out the words one by one, and sometimes they just refuse to come undone.
But! Lady Cee is patient and kind and used to dealing with loony tune whirly birds like me, so she asks questions that seem stupid on the surface but eventually lead us to answers and information that I otherwise wouldn’t be able to provide.
The Homework Assignments
At the end of our one hour session she gave me three assignments this week:
- Really think about whether or not I should return to school this semester
- Start a weekly game night with my husband
- Look for and consider joining a local book club
These might sound easy on the surface, but for someone like me—and for many other addicts in recovery I know—they are not.
Assignment 1: Deciding on School
The first assignment requires self-reflection and decision making. If I could muster up a genie that would make all my decisions for me, I would. My husband is a very level-headed, rational guy. I often go to him when I have big decisions to make, hoping that he will make them for me. Unfortunately, because he’s level-headed and rational he often says things like, “You’re a big girl and entirely capable of making decisions for yourself.”
Assignment 2: Weekly Game Night
The second assignment asks me to be assertive and to express a need—more quality time with my spouse. I have already told him that Lady Cee suggested it, but it will be my responsibility to make sure that we actually play something together. Thankfully, Michael is a pretty low-key, easy-going dude; so he’ll be easy to approach and amenable to the suggestion. I just suck at follow-through.
Assignment 3: The Book Club
Now, the third assignment? The third assignment is bordering on the absurd. Mostly because it’s asking me to go way out of my comfort zone. It not only requires me to approach new people on my own (just writing that makes me feel like hyperventilating), but requires a commitment. Commitments are anathema in my world. I avoid them whenever possible.
Two Ways to Face Fear
Unfortunately, these are the kind of things that you come up against when you enter into recovery and choose to do some adulting.
It sounds scary, I know. And I’m not gonna lie to you. It absolutely is sometimes. But there are two ways to look at fear:
- Fuck Everything And Run
OR…
- Face Everything And Rise
I’d like to say that I always choose the latter, but I don’t. I sometimes choose the former. I curl up in my pajamas, cover up with a woobie, hide in my cave, and watch Vanderpump Rules or The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives while power-eating donuts.
And that’s okay. We don’t all have to be heroes every time.
I will say that it does feel better when I choose to rise rather than run, though. It sounds like it might even take less work, right? But it doesn’t. It often takes more, but the payout is often more rewarding as well.
Moving Forward
What to do… What to do…
Time to practice my principles and try to get some order up in my affairs. Take a deep breath, step into them big girl panties, and get to working on those assignments.
This is how we do.